my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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