What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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