mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
do you think our homemade porn will pass for my cinematography final?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
