fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Randomize
