Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Randomize
