You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
