you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
just woke up and had to check if i still had pants on, i really need to stop drinking
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