he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.
How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?
Salt in an open wound right now.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
