My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Dont you think its a little early in the relationship for sexting?
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
Randomize
