Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
yeah, but that could mean anything in Denmark.
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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