chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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