In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
Randomize
