We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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