we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
