after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
he told me while inside me and mid thrust that he's dreamed of that moment since high school... awkward
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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