I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
it was like fucking gandolphs beard
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
Randomize
