Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
Operation Purity has been aborted
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Randomize
