Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize