so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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