I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
