I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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