last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
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