Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize