the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
