I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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