I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
It's offcial there's a Bobby Light radio station on pandora.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
