how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
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