Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
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