Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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