Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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