You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
