as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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