What did we do last night that was yellow?
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
hey, being drunk and dumb is my thing. Don't take that away from me.
We just stood there eating chocolate chip pancakes, watching you sleep on the bathroom floor.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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