Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Randomize
