If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
