i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Spending my graduation money on an abortion. Welcome to the real world.
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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