Have you finally orgasmed yet?
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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