I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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