benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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