saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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