I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
