you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
And I'm sorry for punching you in the face when I drunkenly threw my sandwich
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
He? As in you personified your dick?
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
Randomize
