I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
