How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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