So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Randomize
