She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
