when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
