i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
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