mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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