if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
fine then we can just have courtesy sex i definetly won't like it
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
So I've already made 5 bad decisions today, wyd?
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Randomize
