he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Okay she just told me to turn the volume down on the fan. What does this even mean?
Randomize
