Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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