Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
You can see my drunken state get worse with each picture
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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