when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude i'm inner monologue high
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
we dropped acid in chinatown. worst. idea. ever. too many colors. and nobody has any idea where steve is.
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
