Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I look better un-naked...
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
