I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
I made out with my moms boyfriends son last night. Thanksgiving is gonna be reeeal fun!
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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