GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.
Wtf it's a Friday night?
PRIORITIZE.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Sending out old nude selfies with the message "#tbt"
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Sorry I bailed on you yesterday. I was propositioned.
And you don't turn down margaritas and oral.
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Randomize
