Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Randomize
