i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
