My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
